I had a little epiphany last Saturday night, well more Sunday morning, but it had started off as Saturday night!
The cause of this epiphany, well possibly the same reason as the last epiphany I had exactly 12 months earlier to the night! Is that freaky weird? Because I certainly thought so. Well I did until I realised that, that was the last time I had had that kind of night out and had shall we indulged in all my favourite past times!
Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll!
Or rather should I say all my favourite past times from the bad old days, well nearly all, I could have indulged in every way, but instead I was a good girl and turned down the sex! I know, me turning down the sex, SHOCKER and do you know what, it had the opportunity to be very good sex, could have even been the chance to fulfill one of my fantasies! But nope, I drew the line at a bit of tonsil tennis behind a pillar.
I did however misbehave on every other level! I am not proud of my past, but I'm not ashamed either, in my early 20's I was the perfect 'ladette' drinking copious amounts of alcohol, having sex with a lot of people, many of whom were one nighters. Staying out all night, sometimes all weekend in fact. And most of all swallowing, smoking and snorting any illegal substance I could get my hands on!
This is something that luckily I don't feel the need to do that often these days, hardly ever in fact. Well OK the sex thing still occurs occasionally and the alcohol and the Rock n Roll, but not often the need to obliterate a few more brain cells with narcotics.
Why this particular evening? Well many things I guess.
The date for one, the anniversary of when one of my oldest friends died in a motorbike accident, it was 11 years this year. And it's one of those milestones each year that makes me feel a little bit older, even if no wiser! Every year without even knowing it, we seem to have some big mad night out on the anniversary of the weekend that he died.
No. 2 the fact that we were in the presence of one of of the original 'mad for it' Madchester boys in the shape of the Godlike Genius that is Ian Brown.
Oh and most of all because it was offered to me and it seemed like a great idea at at that point in the evening. Maybe the need to re-create those heady days of the Stone Roses and that it was such an amazing night that I just thought fuck it why not, it seemed like the ideal way to make a great night perfect and it was taking an absolute age to get to the bar anyway!
So this epiphany that I mentioned, there I am towards the end of the gig, dancing away with my new friends, (the ones who had tempted me earlier in the evening with all sorts of goodies like a peado in a playground, kind of like 'do you want to come and play with my new puppy' but more a case of 'do you want to drop one of these little white things I have hidden in my pocket') there we all were, flying thanks to Ebeneezer and Charlie, when one of them whispered something in my ear that made me smile and blush all at the same time.
Suddenly it hit me clear as day, for those few moments I suddenly realised that the past is behind me, in the last few months I have made decisions in my private life that have ensured that, and that no matter how many 'what ifs' I had in my head before, they no longer matter.
Decision number one was deleting FBD completely, mobile number, email address and most importantly as as facebook friend!
The reason for this, the aftermath of a night out in which I very nearly slept with him again, 'just for old times sake' his words not mine! Having spent much of the night plying me with alcohol and reminding me how good the sex we used to have was. Hell yeah I have to admit I was tempted, so tempted that I even got half way home with him. I will even admit that there was some drunken snogging and a bit of a near miss in an alleyway. But suddenly I realised that nothing had changed, it would never be what I wanted it to be. I didn't really want to have sex with him, I just wanted to try and re-create what we had before, but that could never happen. For a start since the last time I fucked him I have been on quite a journey of discovery.
He had over five years done quite a good job at making me think that there was no better sex than what we had. I realise now that if these so called 'feelings' I had once had for him were true, there was no way on this earth I would have fucked his nephew a couple of months ago! Don't go stressing I'm not a kiddy fiddler, the nephew is 30 this week! I may have had feelings for him in the past, but even though in my head I thought a trace of them could still be hanging around, my heart had obviously decided otherwise. So as I said, I made the decision to cut all the ties, I no longer cared what people would say when they realised, no longer my problem, he had never been my guilty secret, the majority of my friends had always known, he was the one with issues not me! In my final email to him I made sure that he finally became aware of how I had really felt about him.
I also wanted to elaborate on my text last night, you could have had me and by that I mean properly, at any time over the past five years, it hasn’t just been about the sex for me, and if you didn't realise that you are a blind fool. For quite a long time and I was ok with that, knowing that you weren’t into having relationships and stuff - my fault for getting too involved. But then I realised it was obviously just me, strange really because all my friends who knew, as in ***** and ** – they are the only people I have ever told, so I am assuming that it was your big gob that told *** and **** and a few other blokes that have mentioned it to me, so I am not the only one who has been indiscrete. Anyway they both told me I could do so much better, but I guess it was actually the other way round, I’m the one that would never be good enough! Other than **** you were the only person I had sex with for that entire time a fact that you seemed to choose to ignore.
One day I hope the realisation of what you could have had hits you and I hope you regret it.
Obviously the names have been changed to protect the in this case innocent, and the contants of the text are extremely personal, but that gives you an idea of how it went.
I am a little sad though, this is someone who has been in my life for more than half of it, in the time that we weren't talking the thing I missed most was nothing to do with sex, it was the friendship, silly little things that I knew he would also find amusing, suddenly there was no one to share them with and now by taking this monumental step, I will never have that again.
Decision two came the following week! And really seeing as he was the reason for 'Lola' I guess should have been a blog post of his own, but do you know what, I realised that it just wasn't worth it! I finally revealed all to my ex - the fact that Lola was me.
So the revenge what form did it take? Did I go ahead with my plans for revealing all to his wife? Did I get my face to face meet where I got to look him in the eye and say haha sucker? Did I get an apology for the way he had treated me?
Simple Answer NO!
After ten months of reeling him in and getting him hooked on the Lola lovin, how did I finish it? An email! Yes wimp out I know, but do you know what, at the end of the day even if I had got my face to face meet, I would still have never got my answers, I realise now that he is a compulsive liar.
Many people have told me that the email wasn't harsh enough that they would have made sure that he paid for his behaviour. But do you know what, I really couldn't be bothered to waste any more energy on the waste of space. I thought what I said summed it up pretty well, it went like this:-
Sorry I couldn't meet you tonight. The one simple reason for that is Lola isn't my real name, the person who you have been lusting after for all these months and desperately wanting to fuck well surprise surprise you have already or rather tried to, gutted hey? You had it, that naughty minx who knew exactly what to say to make your cock hard (well as hard as you manage) she was yours and you threw that away!
In case your still too thick to work out who I am, it's ........ and you have just been well and truly repaid for the pain and heartache you put me through, would like to say it's been fun, and in a way it has, I have taken great pleasure in watching your sad attempts at trying to get a decent hard-on on web cam, this has given me hours and hours of pleasure, and everyone else who knew about it.
Initially I did this because I wanted to get answers from you as to why you treated me like this but I realise now that you can't help yourself. I feel pity for you, that you are obviously so unhappy with your life that you behave in this way.
But beware if you decide to try and get back at me I have saved every single facebook chat, AIM and MSN conversation you have had with Lola and I am more than ready to start distributing it to your wife and I'm sure next time I have a chat with your mum whilst shopping she would love to hear about your indiscretions might blow out of the water her ideas of you being such a perfect husband and father!
I could have wrecked your life, but hey guess I'm just a much better person than you could ever hope to be.
As you can imagine these have both been pretty momentous things both of which happened in such a short space of time. And last weekend as I moved to the music up close and personal with my new friend (yes the last blog post did pop into my head on more than one occasion)it suddenly struck me, these men had between them made me think that I was missing out by not having them in my life, when in fact it was the exact opposite, they were dammed lucky to have had me and it was their loss in not having me in their lives anymore.