Yep I am in a bit of a quandary, for once I have things to say and my problem is that my thoughts just won't come together properly, this is not something I am used to.
For me writing down my thoughts has always been my solice, I am shit at telling people how I feel, I have never been able to express myself verbally in a way that the situation warrants. But my one saviour has always been the fact that what I can't say I can find a way to express myself in writing.
Why am I having this problem you may ask, well the answer is an easy one, I can no longer write as Lola!
There are many reason but the main two are; I no longer feel like Lola, haven't done for a very long time, and as such can no longer find the inspiration. Also and it's a biggy, I now know that the secrets out, someone who doesn't actually know me but knows of me, is well aware that I write this blog and who I really am. And because of this I can no longer express myself in the way I have in the past for fear of being judged, maybe that's the wrong term but certainly of someone making opinions about me that may not be entirely correct.
So for the sake of the tape as they say in The Bill I am not Lola, Lola was always a work of fiction designed with one purpose in mind, to put me back in the driving seat, to learn more about myself. Yes I had some fun, but innocent online fun. Thanks to this yes I learnt a lot about myself and what does it for me.
Ironically it is thanks to this blog that I have a smile on my face recently, Mr Delicious found me through the blog and look how well that's turned out. (Second and third times get the thumbs up as well). I took a chance, I let him into my real life, and thanks to that I am a little bit smiley at the moment, but now ironically he has bought the blog into real life as well!
Double irony was that the reason I found out, and it is is majorly ironic, the person who's friendship with him prompted my post about can men and women ever be friends, commented on that very same blog and in doing so made sure that I am aware that they know who I am. And as this effects my real life, the real me, who's a little unsure of herself, and concerns herself about what people think about me and how they may judge me, so for now I can't see how I can continue to express myself without worry of judgement!