So anyone who has read this blog from the start will know that I came into this as a woman with a decimated heart. So how did plans for revenge turn into an alter ego?
When me and Mr X were an item, one of the things that I found it very hard to come to terms with, were the vast numbers of what I then termed 'facebook sluts' (hey guess who's one of them now!) who were added daily to his friends list. I couldn't understand where the hell they all came from?
I did ask him once, his excuse, they saw a man in uniform and added him! At the time I thought nothing more of it but as timw went on and things got worse, I began to think hang on, why’s that, after all he was not a young, fit, hot, soldier/sailor/policeman/fireman, (I mention them all to protect the not so innocent!) That I could understand but a man who was slightly overweight and in his profile picture looks more than a little odd, a bit like a cross between Pigsy from Monkey Magic and Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. Yes, yes, I was with someone less than attractive, but remember love is blind people and I established a long time ago that for me it’s not what a person looks like, it’s what they do for my head!
So where the hell were all these girls coming from? Did I ever consider that in fact he was adding them, of course not! Alarm bells should have been flooding my mind with harsh sounds, but no. Wrapped in my safety blanket of love, my usual good judgement and natural cynicism went out the window and I was completely and utterly oblivious to the seedy world he existed in.
My best friend has since said, it was like he was a paedophile grooming a young girl, he was saying everything I wanted to hear - or what he thought I needed to hear.
The irony of it all, I am definitely not that girl, we all know them the type of girl that a man needs to promise the world to get a shag, never have been and never will be. Anyone who knows me through facebook and has got to know me well, will have got the picture that I'm pretty much up for it, I like sex way too much to be that choosey, so all the bullshit and the promises were unnecessary to start off with which makes them in hindsight all the harder to swallow.
In fact it took another player (FBD) to make me wise up and accept what was right in front of my eyes. It was at the party of a good friend. I hadn't seen FBD for a while, well not since the incident just after Mr X had left and FBD had sorted me out with some proper sex! He had been on holiday for a few weeks and I wasn't expecting to see him at the party seeing as he had only got back that lunchtime. But as I arrived at the party with friends I saw his car, and it all sort of fell into place from there, from the outset we both knew how the evening would end. That was the first night we went a little bit more public, people saw us dancing together and also leaving together!
OK so officially I was still Mr X's girlfriend, however the enormity of his lies and deception was already in my head but I had just pushed it firmly to the back of my mind, if I didn't think about it, it wasn't real and I didn't have to face the awful truth of it all.
That night FBD and I had a good catch up, both in bed and out and finally I started to accept the truth or more like he made me see the truth! I would like to think that he did it because deep down he really cared about me, but I have a little idea that once again he was doing it for purely selfish reasons, he was worried about the rather amazing sex stopping. He made me sit down, albeit in a very drunken state and look at things rationally; forcing me to step outside my feelings for a while (not hard when the best part of a bottle of Jack Daniels had been consumed). Asking what would I be thinking if this was happening to one of my friends, if I saw a man treating one of my friends like this, what I would say to her, to make her see sense.
As the sun came up and I started to sober up slightly and with the clarity of mind bought on by a little bit of Colombia’s finest, (ok so not clarity but very focused) not something I ever do anymore, but in this instance it seemed fitting. As I sat there watching another man sleep, I finally kind of accepted that the man I was in love with had played me well and truly, the wife that had supposedly left him, was still very much his wife! The future I had envisaged for myself and we had talked about was never going to happen.
For a few more weeks though I still found myself making excuses for it, dragging it out, however by this time I was really just pushing for him to tell me the truth, to be a man and tell me that it was over, but no he kept stringing me along, excuse after excuse.
After I finally took the step and called time on the relationship. I tried to get on with things, but the more I found out about the depths of his lies, the depth of which I could never ever predicted, the more I found out the worse and worse things appeared. And the more I found out the more I needed to get back at him and finally a plan started in my head. I had to become someone else to see exactly what he was up to.
The main problem now being that for a while there I lost sight of what Lola was created for - REVENGE. A revenge that seemed to have seeped away and I haven't if I'm honest done half the things I anticipated, hopefully the saying that 'revenge is a dish best served cold' will work in my favour, because this cold dish is about to be served, on a silver platter, uniformed waiting staff, the full shebang!
Quite how far this revenge is going to go I'm still working on. Can I really be as callous as I originally intended to be, can I really do that to another woman, tell her what a lying cheating down and dirty bastard her husband is. Does any woman ever really need to know that? How would I feel if someone approached me out of the blue and told me, would I even believe it? Probably not, will it make me feel better doing it? No. However it will be immensely satisfying, not just for me, but for other people who have seen me through the deepest darkest days of my life.
If I'm honest I have no 'feelings' for him anymore, haven't done for a long time, unless you count pity. Why pity? Because his life must be so empty and devoid of fun and love that he needs to behave in this manner. Having now seen what he does to get his kicks, a happy person in a loving and fulfilling marriage doesn’t need to do that. I should be satisfied just knowing this and yet I still feel pity, is that sign that there are the teeniest remainder of feelings there, or is it perhaps the evidence that no matter what, I am always going to be the better person, that despite the way he treated me, I still have the compassion within me to feel pity and sorrow for him.
Why am I telling you all this now? Well there is of course every chance that with the reason behind Lola about to be put to rest I may feel the need to leave her behind completely. At the moment it is a rather emotive issue for me, can I be Lola when there is no longer a reason for her existence?
I have had a whale of a time, made some amazing friends, had some seriously sexy exchanges, all of which has made me so much more aware of who I actually am, what I what from life and also what I don’t want from a relationship. But what it has made me realise is that ultimately, that is what I want, a relationship, the future that we discussed and talked about that’s what I need. Ideally with someone who can be my friend, my lover and accept me for who I am, who can stimulate me both mentally and physically, appreciate my shall we say, slightly dirty mind, but I now reality has kicked in and I accept that there are not many men out there who would be willing to accept the existence of Lola and still be able to see me for the person that I really am, yes there are men who know ME and are very appreciative of that naughtier side of me, and as much as I want it in some cases (one in particular very much so) if I am honest with myself, it’s never going to happen.
The two are such poles apart; Lola is a caricature, a work of fiction! I have always had a very vivid imagination and maybe she is my greatest creation ever, but that is what she is a work of fiction, yes the thoughts are my own, what I have written about is about ‘me’ things that have happened to me in real life, none of it has ever been a lie, but there is so much more to me than Lola, maybe there is a tiny part of me that is her, I have taken the glimmer of her that exists within me and embellished her to become this caricature of a woman, like Jessica rabbit or Betty Boop, all woman but very much not real and any man that falls for Lola, probably isn’t going to get what he really wants from the real me.
Hey I may decide that Lola is still a part of me that I’m not ready to let go just yet, we shall see.