Strange question you may ask, but it's one that's been on my mind a lot over the past few days.
Why? Well because the past has jumped up and quite literally bitten me on my peachy derriere. What makes it all the more weird is that three of the four blasts, have been people I have written about, or were just about to write about in this very blog!
I was emailing one of my oldest Lola friends and long time admirers of my dirty mind about it the other day, we were talking about people from the past and it suddenly struck me that maybe it's in the past for good reason. Is it a good or bad thing to go back, why has all these people from the past popped up in the short space of about 7 days? I have been spending a lot more time as me, leaving Lola behind a little and maybe, just maybe this is why.
These blasts have been so good that I might just have to tell you about them separately.
BLAST FROM THE PAST NUMBER ONE.
FBD is back, he emailed me about a week ago, bizarrely on the day that I was thinking about how much I missed him in a friends way nothing to do with sex, he emailed me and said the exact same thing. It turned out he had been reading some witty exchanges between my best friend and myself on facebook and was missing that 'specialness' between us, I'm not sure if that's even a real word but it's his word not mine.
We then proceeded to spend a good half an hour or more that night having a good old catch up. It was hard, it's been so so long since we did the 'just friends' thing that I found myself thinking about everything I was saying, in fact we were 'friends with benefits'(I will not use the other term I hate it)for so long that I can't remember a time where most conversations didn't include a little bit of naughtiness and it wouldn't have seemed appropriate. Certainly ever since I have been using facebook we have been more than just friends.
I was so aware of the fact of keeping it friendly that he even commented that I didn't seem my normal self. Which left me worried that it has got to the point that I cant do friendly without dirty, especally with someone who I have been exceptionally dirty with in the past.
During the conversation, not sure how, I let slip that I had deleted his number - something that I very rarely do, but in this situation felt it the best thing to do. Why? Because I, like a lot of people out there, just can't resist the lure of drunken texting, I'm not ashamed to admit it, but shock horror they can get a bit filthy, my mind is bad enough on a good day, let alone when you add the corrupting influence of good old Mr Jack Daniels.
But the problem is, will I ever be able to be 'just friends' with this man, the person whom in a way, without knowing it, moulded me into the person I am today. There are so many things I have discovered about myself both personally and sexually thanks to this man. I have even quite publicly through this blog bestowed on him the honour of the best actual sex ever.
Can I distance myself from that and be his friend?
Will I always be expecting more and then be disappointed when it doesn't materialise?
Is he just after a shag because the last bit of totty has dumped him because of his non stop party lifestyle?
These are all question floating around in my head, I know I'm just being a girl and over thinking everything. But when it comes down to it whilst he was busy telling me about going to the football to see his beloved West Ham playing, what was I thinking about? Yep you guessed it - in my head I was thinking about being bent over the sofa in my living room wearing a red and black basque and fishnet stockings, whilst he teased me with his cock, slowly sliding in and out of me.
Boy oh boy that man is a good shag!
Just thinking about some of the things we have got up to in the past makes a little part of me long for them again. Can I ever talk to him, or even worse spend time with him and not look at him and be thinking about how we went shopping for toys and underwear and ending up with me on my knees in front of him in Anne Summers changing room.
I was actually reminded about one of the funniest times by my best friend, who is none to impressed by this re-connection, she is firmly of the view that I am in no way strong enough to resist him, should it come down to it, I asked why she thought that and she just replied that it had been a very long time since I had been able to say no to him, even when it was possibly slightly inappropriate!
We were all at a mutual friends very posh black tie wedding. Him in a DJ and me in a very expensive full length ball gown and yet we still managed to have a very satisfactory knee trembler on the Bride and Grooms four poster!
Yes I know a little out of order, but I had been given the honour of decorating the bridal suite, she knew someone would do it, so she figured that it was best she chose someone that wouldn't do anything really bad! (if only she knew) So having spent a great deal of time talking in code, flirting and being very naughty with each other whilst everyone around us was completely unaware of what we actually meant, admiring glances, a text asking if I was wearing stockings and suspenders under my dress (little did he know that the wearing of the dress also involved a very tight corset as well as the stocking and suspenders).
Eventually we ended up sitting next to each other at dinner (did I mention the bride was a very good friend who actually was in on our little secret, got to love her seating plan) by the time we actually sat down to dinner it was quite a while since lunch and at least two bottles of Bollinger later in my case, the last thing on my mine was food!
So what started out as a hand job under the table as the other 8 people on our table carried on eating completely unawares, quickly ended up with me bent over the end of the four poster, my amazing dress in a crumpled heap on the floor beside me as he fucked me hard and fast. Downside was of course was that we had already decorated the bed with that annoying plastic confetti stuff that people seem so fond of these days, little plastic love birds, church bells and horseshoes and glitter, teeny tiny very sparkly pearlescent white glitter that would be immediately noticeable on the white sheets and bedding and all of them were sticking to me as he was sticking it in me!
When we finally re-emerged having supposedly been decorating the room, the first person I bumped into was my best friend, who was laughing at the fact that I seemed to have got more confetti and glitter on myself than the room. She then spent 10 minutes picking bits of confetti off me, but having worked out what we had been doing refused to brush the glitter off my back that had been practically super glued there were he had cum up my back and then I had rolled over into the glitter.
Can I really regress five years and go back to being this man's 'friend' can we ever just see each other in the pub and not think, "yep, your getting it later." If we are chatting online will either of us not be thinking about something naughty we have done.
Most telling was the fact that about 10 minutes into our first chat, he blatantly asked me "Are you still doing that Lola thing?" and I am ashamed to say I lied! I said "No not really" and in all honesty I kind of felt justified,(well a little anyway) I haven't been doing the 'Lola' thing that much at all lately, the only people I have been remotely naughty with, either for real or virtually have been real friends, not just faceless un-known online buddies. So 'Lola' in the way he thinks of her as doesn't exist anymore.
But no matter how much I think about it I know that things can never go back to the way they were, for a start I am very different, I'm much more confident about myself, I'm no longer labouring under the false pretences that I'm in love with him. Yes he still has a minute place in my heart, but I'm thinking that any feelings of lust may be from memories, remembering things from the past. I haven't seen him in person for about four or five months, but if I did would I look at him and get that fluttery feeling. I'm starting to think not.
He only knows half of me now, there are very few people that know everything, that know the real me and the alter ego me and has free access to both - in fact I there is only one person who has free access through online profiles to me and my alter ego. He has a much better idea of what goes on in my head these days and albeit virtually, has a much better idea of what I want sexually, how to turn me on to dizzy heights and exactly how to finish it off.
So maybe in this case, the past, even though it is the recent past, it could be best left there. A memory of what was good, but ultimately could never be what I really wanted, was never going to be anything more than what is was. I've always said that he could have been my 'one' but looking back over things, maybe yes in an alternate reality where I didn't have a very possessive older brother and by possessive I mean possessive of his friends not me, if he wasn't quite such a player, or such a coke head, things could have worked. But in this reality, the opposite is true of all these and because of those things it will never be what either of us wants.
So for now I just have to think about all the other misdemeanours who are all from my distant past and where they fit into things!