HOW DO I GET WHAT I WANT AND DO I REALLY WANT IT?

Oh well it's been a strange old week, firstly it was my birthday, something which never sits well with me.

I'm not someone who can do happy, lets have a party just because of a date, if I don't feel like going out why should I just because it's my birthday, after a certain age there is no reason to celebrate getting even older. The best nights are those that unplanned, spontaneous and end up being the kind of night you remember for a long time.

So anyway back to how to get what I really want? This is a little bit of a conundrum for me, for a while now I've been pretty certain about something I really want (yes it is man shaped) and the majority of my naughty thoughts have been taken up by this person for quite a while now, but it's just not happening and I'm starting to think it never will and was never going to.

Is my semi reliance on this one person for adding a little zing to things, holding me back, is it a pipe dream, am I chasing rainbows.

Second part of the conundrum is one of my blasts from the past, not a big blast but a blast none the less, I think I may have developed a little teeny tiny crush, in a very school girl (which I am way, way past being) kind of way. Maybe its just that he has shown an interest in me, the real me, nothing to do with Lola, he wasn't attracted by a pair of tits, or shapely legs in stocking and suspenders, maybe that's what I need a little bit of normality.

But can I go back to normality? A small part of me is thinking that I would only be doing that because I'm not getting what it is I actually really want. Yes I had a little fling with blast number two in the dim and distant past, a quick knee trembler in a car park of a night club (yes more outside fucking, it seems to be a bit of a habit) but as with FBD do I really need to go backwards.

Ah FBD conundrum part three, not spoken to him or even chatted online, but have been asked some very tricky questions about 'us' by people I didn't even know knew anything about it! Why didn't it work out? What did we fall out over? How can I turn my back on something that was so good? All these questions have made me think about it, I never want to go back to how it was before, but on of the questions asked was what if he turned round tomorrow and said right lets do it properly, what would my reaction be.

This has all made my mind go into melt down, I'm not the strongest person in the world when it comes to all this stuff, the last few days have made me realise that I just don't do feelings very well, and when I do get 'feelings' of any kind, even lust I seem to go into slight melt down, become a typical woman and over think absolutely everything.

I know what I think I want, I've been waiting for it for long enough, but what if the idea of that is holding me back from something real, especially if it's something that I'm never going to get.

The irony of it all has been pointed out to me tonight is that physically all three are very similar and even worse is that the object of my desires is so like FBD in so many ways now its been pointed out to me is a little bit freaky, both like to party hard, both make me weak at the knees and damp in the knickers with their filthy minds, but there are other similarities, complex minds and backgrounds. One knows so much about me, things that I have never told anyone else in my entire life and vice versa. But in the same way the other I think could be well on the way to being like that as well, I dont think there is anything I couldn't tell him, he has access to all of my thoughts he gets to see what I think and more importantly what Lola thinks.

Conundrum part two man, even though he could be a passing fancy, something to keep me entertained for a Milli-second, he doesn't really figure in this at all!

When it comes down to it main difference one is the past and one is what I hoped would be the future! Although if I am entirely honest both are quite possibly as unlikely to happen as the other. So now I just have to get my over active mind to get used to that idea!

xxx